I want to recapture my flow, passion, and zest for life. The truth is that my life is rather dull and has been for much of the last 28 years. During much of the time since leaving Boulder, I’ve been plodding along, finding moments of joy, but no lasting joy, passion, or purpose.
I want to live more fully, passionately, and intentionally. More than anything, I want to make a difference by doing something that makes me feel alive and helps people, connecting purpose to passion. Some of you have suggested writing is my purpose and I’m grateful that you enjoy my blog and find value in what I share here, but it doesn’t feel like a passion or purpose from my side.
So I continue to look for something more. And maybe that is the problem. Maybe this is as good as it gets or as close as I’ll come to a purpose. I remember what flow and passion felt like in my 30s. I organically left my job, bought a VW camper, traveled the country, visited many beautiful parks, and awakened my love for nature. I lived in OR for a year, then explored some more, and moved to CO. I really came alive in Boulder, exploring new aspects of myself; personal growth, healthy lifestyle, sobriety, men’s groups, and satisfying friendships. My new life fit and felt good. Gratitude and joy were routine and organic results of my life, not something I had to strive for. I took risks and bold actions, resulting in joy.
Until I started looking for greener pastures. And then I lost my father, girlfriend, and unborn child within a few months of each other. After these losses, I’ve never really gotten back on track. I had left Boulder with my partner, thinking we would find a new town to live in together. Instead, she left me to sort out her life. By then, I had given up everything in Boulder. After some aimless wandering, I found Fayetteville, AR, and stayed. Not because I loved it, but because I was numb and needed to rest.
I’ve lost my life savings three different times since moving here. Plus, being unemployed and underemployed for most of my 50s has left me risk-averse, and wary of making changes.
I’ve had moments of joy, moments of peace, etc, but no lasting sense of flow or rightness. I’m 64 years old, have never married, nor found a meaningful career or purpose, and don’t love Arkansas. I strive to make the best of it but get tired of settling. I’m afraid to move without having clarity of where and why, along with limited finances. Most of the places I would like to live are much more expensive than Arkansas.
I wrote this post three years ago but didn’t publish it because it doesn’t fit the uplifting theme of my blog. I’m tired of hiding these aspects and putting a false shine on my life online, where it is easy to present our lives however we want. My soul is craving more connection, adventure, and authenticity.
I’ve let go of finding purpose, but have regrets about not trying harder with relationships, moving, and travel. I’m loosely aiming to move when I stop working in the next few years.
There are good things about my life. I have people who care about me, good health, some savings, and a decent job and income. But my social life is lacking and I don’t have deep soulful friendships like I did in my 30s and 40s. And I can’t seem to muster the effort to reach out to people for friendship or dating. My online friends and blogging community are a bright spot. You have helped me survive the challenges over the last 10 years.
Lately, I find writing and blogging to be a chore rather than a joy. Maybe that’s because I haven’t been fully authentic and don’t have any adventures to feed my soul. I’m considering taking a break or even shutting down my blog. I want to focus more on my in-person life. If I’m going to turn things around, I need to be more proactive about my life with some adventure, companionship, and aliveness. Mostly, I’m just going through the motions of daily life.
Footnote; these are broad generalizations about my life. My feelings and situations are fluid and could shift quickly. I want to feed my soul more with nature, intimacy, travel, and adventure. And take some action despite my fears. If I took action about any of these situations, I might feel very differently about my life. The key takeaways are dissatisfaction with my life, seeing where fear is holding me back, and the need to be more proactive.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and supporting me over the years on this blog.