
I want to recapture my flow, passion, and zest for life. The truth is that my life is rather dull and has been for much of the last 28 years. During much of the time since leaving Boulder, I’ve been plodding along, finding moments of joy, but no lasting joy, passion, or purpose.
I want to live more fully, passionately, and intentionally. More than anything, I want to make a difference by doing something that makes me feel alive and helps people, connecting purpose to passion. Some of you have suggested writing is my purpose and I’m grateful that you enjoy my blog and find value in what I share here, but it doesn’t feel like a passion or purpose from my side.

So I continue to look for something more. And maybe that is the problem. Maybe this is as good as it gets or as close as I’ll come to a purpose. I remember what flow and passion felt like in my 30s. I organically left my job, bought a VW camper, traveled the country, visited many beautiful parks, and awakened my love for nature. I lived in OR for a year, then explored some more, and moved to CO. I really came alive in Boulder, exploring new aspects of myself; personal growth, healthy lifestyle, sobriety, men’s groups, and satisfying friendships. My new life fit and felt good. Gratitude and joy were routine and organic results of my life, not something I had to strive for. I took risks and bold actions, resulting in joy.
Until I started looking for greener pastures. And then I lost my father, girlfriend, and unborn child within a few months of each other. After these losses, I’ve never really gotten back on track. I had left Boulder with my partner, thinking we would find a new town to live in together. Instead, she left me to sort out her life. By then, I had given up everything in Boulder. After some aimless wandering, I found Fayetteville, AR, and stayed. Not because I loved it, but because I was numb and needed to rest.
I’ve lost my life savings three different times since moving here. Plus, being unemployed and underemployed for most of my 50s has left me risk-averse, and wary of making changes.
I’ve had moments of joy, moments of peace, etc, but no lasting sense of flow or rightness. I’m 64 years old, have never married, nor found a meaningful career or purpose, and don’t love Arkansas. I strive to make the best of it but get tired of settling. I’m afraid to move without having clarity of where and why, along with limited finances. Most of the places I would like to live are much more expensive than Arkansas.
~

~
I wrote this post three years ago but didn’t publish it because it doesn’t fit the uplifting theme of my blog. I’m tired of hiding these aspects and putting a false shine on my life online, where it is easy to present our lives however we want. My soul is craving more connection, adventure, and authenticity.
I’ve let go of finding purpose, but have regrets about not trying harder with relationships, moving, and travel. I’m loosely aiming to move when I stop working in the next few years.
There are good things about my life. I have people who care about me, good health, some savings, and a decent job and income. But my social life is lacking and I don’t have deep soulful friendships like I did in my 30s and 40s. And I can’t seem to muster the effort to reach out to people for friendship or dating. My online friends and blogging community are a bright spot. You have helped me survive the challenges over the last 10 years.
Lately, I find writing and blogging to be a chore rather than a joy. Maybe that’s because I haven’t been fully authentic and don’t have any adventures to feed my soul. I’m considering taking a break or even shutting down my blog. I want to focus more on my in-person life. If I’m going to turn things around, I need to be more proactive about my life with some adventure, companionship, and aliveness. Mostly, I’m just going through the motions of daily life.
Footnote; these are broad generalizations about my life. My feelings and situations are fluid and could shift quickly. I want to feed my soul more with nature, intimacy, travel, and adventure. And take some action despite my fears. If I took action about any of these situations, I might feel very differently about my life. The key takeaways are dissatisfaction with my life, seeing where fear is holding me back, and the need to be more proactive.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and supporting me over the years on this blog.
Reblogged this on NEW BLOG HERE >> https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Michael.
LikeLike
It sounds like you’re mourning. As you write you have good friends and a good community. Enjoy it, because it could be more worse. Best wishes, Michael
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Michael. I’m sure mourning was part of the derailment, but now it’s been many years of struggle that have beaten me down.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am feeling so sorry for these experiences, and only can say “You are not alone!” Best wishes, Michael
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. 🙏
LikeLike
Dear Brad,
These thoughts, to me, are more valuable than any “uplifting” thoughts you’ve felt you must share. And that’s because they’re the real you. It’s perfectly fine to admit to yourself and others when you feel lost. Because so many others do as well. Including myself. Maybe this is a huge step in moving towards the light that will lead you to the peace that you deserve. I understand the urge to shut down the blog and focus on your journey. You know I’ve retreated to a much quieter corner with no regrets. Whatever you decide to do, know that your readers will never forget your kind spirit.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Hi Julie. I’m glad you find value in me sharing the gritty parts. I agree that it’s all part of who we are and important to share and be authentic. I’m glad you’ve found a pace and place that feeds you. I would like to have those, yet I’m hesitant to make any big changes.
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing what’s going on with you, Brad, and feeling free to be honest. I’m glad to hear that blogging is a bright spot, but I also understand that it isn’t a substitute for face-to-face friendships, conversation, and adventure. And nature, though beautiful and peaceful, isn’t the same as human connection. I hope you follow the impulse to make some room in your soul, despite your fears, for new experiences that will bring you joy. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re most welcome Diana. And thank you for being a good friend and supporter who clearly understands. Your summary is spot on! 🙏💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have faith that you’ll find what your looking for, probably when you least expect it. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
That would be nice. 😍
LikeLiked by 1 person
Honesty is so important. I’m glad you feel comfortable sharing this with us. Life can be a real and constant struggle for some of us, and that’s okay to admit. ❤️
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Alethea. Yes, honesty and acknowledging our struggles and vulnerability can be very empowering. I just hope I find the courage to make some changes. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope you do too. You’ve already shown you’ve got the strength. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brad do what your heart tells you to do but surely you will be missed. Do keep in touch whenever you feel good and want to start blogging. We are all there for you. You are not alone. Take care, stay safe and God Bless.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you Kamal. I haven’t decided whether to stop blogging but appreciate your support. take care. 💕
LikeLike
You are always welcome Brad. Lots of love and light ♥️
LikeLiked by 1 person
It takes courage to share and show vulnerability and you have that courage to explore to find what works for you. We are all just muddling along, Brad and all in this together. ❤ always. Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the kind words and inclusion Jane. Some of us flow more and muddle less. 😃 Hugs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello dearest, thank you for your honesty and authenticity here!! I can so relate to the grief part and to getting stuck in that energy once there are a lot of losses coming at you at once… it IS tough healing work to get through something like that! Society just suppresses this stuff. Smile and carry on… and while i LOVE a good smile and am all about joy and laughter, I know that these only (I believe at least) come from a deep place of authenticity once we have fully felt and cleared out our traumas and grief. To heal, one has to feel. Yes… please be so kind and send me a request to join my blog ok? I will put it on “public” again in a while but until then… 🙂 I somehow couldn’t figure out how to send you the invite! I believe in you! Big hugs from Spain 🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for understanding and the kind words Maria. Yes, life can be a wild and messy mix of happy and sad. Ideally we keep reaching for love and our dreams. Of course, I want to join your blog. Where do I send the request? Abrazos grande! 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are welcome! I agree with your words here!! I think you can simply request access when on my homepage (when I open an incognito window for my blog it says “login to WordPress to request access”). I haven’t posted anything new yet but wanted to keep u posted, generally speaking:) Gracias y muchos abrazos de vuelta!💚💚💚
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! 😍
LikeLiked by 1 person
I applaud your vulnerability and authenticity! You have got this! Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you again dear friend. 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 My pleasure amigo! 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
This a powerful post; you share such insight on life (the good & bad), and also the important note at the end that these are broad generalizations about your life. Authenticity is what you have achieved in your writing ~ and interactions here on WP, and I admire what you’ve done and the inspiration it brings. But I also understand your meaning when you say it doesn’t feel this way on your side.
Fear is the issue, and it sucks because every one of us goes through this… I hate to throw out self-help for such issues, but I also can’t help. I think part of passion is intentionally putting yourself in difficult/uncomfortable positions, and like you wrote when you were young, “I took risks and bold actions, resulting in joy.” Put yourself out there, even though you will hate it at first – because eventually, it will become a habit. There are hiking, nature, photography, and trekking clubs to be found online, and sign-up and follow through. You have one thing most people wish for: good health. Add to that your kindness, and you’ve won the lottery in life (which starts today for us all, every day); what it takes is often the most difficult, which I know from experience, and that is opening the door and taking those first steps out. You are such a good soul and a good man… And apologize if this comes off preachy at all, but these are the similar words I often tell myself: find something exciting and jump. Yeah, it will suck sometimes, but getting it right just once makes it all worth it.
Finally, I am thrilled to read this post from you. The honesty is refreshing, and boldness in doing so is a sign you have it in you. Cheers, my friend, and I look forward to riding this journey with you! Take care, Brad!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much Randall. Clearly, you’ve been down the road of fear, hesitation, and finally taking action. Maybe I need to practice on little things. Planning a move or world travel seem like too much right now. And none of this is new to me or my readers, but I guess I made it more clear today. I feel weary and slightly hopeful. Yes, health and kindness count for a lot, and no you don’t come off preachy. thanks for caring.
LikeLike
Yes, practice on the little things and then see how much easier it becomes to say, “hmm, looks interesting; I think I’ll give it a go!” :-). Health and kindness can take you anywhere, and you have plenty ~ getting out and just moving is a great way to get a little clarity too. Many thinkers/philosophers have received much of their inspiration by moving (hiking, going on small treks) and only sit down to write out what they’ve already figured out. A little bit of hope and adventurous spirit is all it takes – cheers, Brad, and looking forward to what autumn will bring.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks again.
LikeLike
Thank you Brad for sharing how it has been and the reality of this chapter of your life . So many peeps want to hear the positive and only the good… yet much of life is about realigning and adjusting to the reality that presents itself. In that moment we can feel freedom.
When we ponder about the past and our mistakes or regrets, we keep ourselves there. We become okay with ourselves and life as it now is, we may be ready to take on new possibilities …. And feeding your soul in a different way.
What do you not know?
What are you curious about now?
Allow the mind to imagine and the body to follow.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for caring and the kind suggestions Val. I go through periods of acceptance, but ultimately I need to make some changes in my life or I will wither away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Courage comes from the heart, not the mind. Keep listening to your heart my friend.
💝
LikeLiked by 1 person
💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome to the feeling lost and can’t give a dam club😂🤣It’s really ok to feel your deepest darkness, even to share it, with great friends we have here… built up over the years! I really know how it feels to not want to blog anymore, but you’ll find in a while your passionate drive to be in the world will make you pick up that pen and write! You really have to realise what an impact you have on all our lives here! I remember a few years ago when Tom and would be going to bed and my iPad would start blinging! AND tom would comment, that’s your friends connecting with you! Such a special feeling! So Thankyou for being here, and now we’re here for you! Holding you as you feel all your sadness come and visit you. Just breathe it all in. It’s energy, wanting to be embraced by you, the loving presence you are. Brad our journey is about love, love for ourself which we find underneath all our shit (sorry couldn’t find another word). There comes a time when we just have to be grateful for all our experience and trust our path is exactly as it’s supposed to be! Don’t fight how you feel, it’s time just to love you and soon, I know you’ll feel like joining the world again! Sending you so much love❤️
LikeLike
Thank you Barbara for the smiles and unique view on my situation. I’ll breath in and embrace the shit! and I love the reminder that those messages are friends reaching out Thanks for the love. 💕
LikeLike
Wow, thanks for being so honest and for sharing yourself, warts and all. It does sound like you’re coming to another point of life change, because you’re making the decision to live more purposefully, and I respect you for that. No matter what you do, I’m wishing you all the best!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome Stuart. I appreciate the encouragement.
LikeLike
Dear Brad, what a brave, vulnerable and poignant post, even if it was written some time ago, thank you for sharing the realness of your life. It can be cathartic to write, to release and to visualise what we want. Keep striving and sharing what feels right for you. Life can be a struggle and it’s rarely perfect but there’s nothing wrong with wanting more. I wish you peace, love, adventure and courage to follow whatever stirs your soul. Much love from me ❤️🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your kind support and wishes Miriam. These issues have been weighing on my heart and I wanted to share them with my online family. I hope I find the courage to make some changes. ❤️🙏
LikeLiked by 2 people
You will Brad. Open yourself to be guided by whatever feels right. And then go with it. Faith over fear! You always have my support. ❤️🙏
LikeLiked by 2 people
Stay right here because we all need you and look forward to your posts. 🙂 I think this post was one of my favorites because you poured your heart out and showed us the true you. There’s nothing better than that. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Michelle. I’m grateful that you enjoy my posts and my heartfelt sharing. Vulnerability can connect us. Hugs.. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Always… ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was a heartfelt share, Brad. You’ve made it through some adventurous and challenging life stuff-a rest was needed! Best wishes to you connecting to people and situations that help ignite your passions! Keep writing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the kind wishes Michele. I’ve gotten in a rut of routines that keeps me going but doesn’t feed my passions or soul. take care
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are welcome, Brad. Sharing, in that way that you did, may open you to other experiences as well. ✨ Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Brad, I hope you stick around (selfishly) as I thoroughly enjoy your posts. Listen (and I know you know this) we all go through ups and downs. It’s part of life, of course. I can completely understand not always sharing the downs because the community expects a certain ‘vibe’ from you. But it is YOUR blog. So sharing or not sharing, it’s all up to you.
I am hopeful you will find those face-to-face relationships that we all crave and need again. We go through all sorts of seasons in our lives, some much harder and purifying than others. I’ve never lost a spouse or significant other but I did lose my mother-in-law (who was closer than a mother to me) and then shortly after that, my son. It was these events which heavily reshaped both my and my then-husband’s hearts and we grew vastly apart, though we kept trying for another several years… I say this to say, while those losses were the hardest things I’ve ever had to walk through, I can clearly say I am a better person in the end, my heart became new. Now it’s been eleven years since then and I am in a really great place emotionally and spiritually.
This is what gives me hope for you too. The rough patches may scratch you up, but you know deep inside what it is you are missing and needing. You know what changes you need to make. Don’t walk in fear or in apathy. I believe you’ll make the right decisions to continue on into the light.
Hugs and much love for you,
Your blogging friend in Alaska,
tara
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Tara for the deeply heartfelt share. Clearly you understand. I’m glad you’ve healed and grown from your loss and pain. I know I’ve become more compassionate, but also more hesitant after so many loses over and over. I hope I can break out of my ruts. I appreciate your care and your support. Big hugs… 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
The first thing that struck me when reading this post was when you said ” I’m afraid to move without having clarity of where and why, along with limited finance”….You might be waiting for a very long time thinking that way Brad. This time is asking you to put down comfortable and dependable and pick up risk in order to venture forth and discover a new you…If you’re going to break out, break out all the way!!! Good luck my friend, it’s tough especially now…Have faith in you and go for it. Good luck….VK ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks VK. You’re probably right but I’ve grown cautious and won’t move without my finances in order.
LikeLike
So, so grateful for your vulnerable strength dear Brad, as it helps me to know your beautiful soul and the richness that is all part of who you are. This is a gift you give us all…and it extends both in understanding, as well as supporting others to honor their journeys too. You’ve been through some really tough things and also some really beautiful things. I can understand how hard it is to make the next moves or even find the reasons and motivation for them. The tough has a way of closing our petals and wanting to protect us. But a flower you are nonetheless, and those petals I can feel curling toward the sun. This share reflects that to me and you’re right to want to feel your passion and experience greater connection and what ever else speaks to your soul. Even if it isn’t to blog. Blogging could have been a version of mourning, healing, and way to move energy. It could also have hidden silver linings. I don’t want to place my impressions upon things, as this is your journey, and you get to write it the way your heart desires. You have great insight on your take aways. I’m just really honoring this share, this space you’re in, and the embers that are glowing within you right now. I also honor the choices you decide and believe it or not, I have had/and am having similar thoughts about taking a big break or completely stepping away. The presence of being and experiencing the here and now in person stuff is so valuable and we never know how many more tomorrows we have. That said, I’m also super grateful for the online world, as it has the ability to connect us with soul friends and family we may never have had chance to know and there are gems of heart wisdom that find us in the exact moments we may be needing them. It’s also a great channel for creative energy in any and all versions, which I feel is vital. So for now, I look to ways of where I can create the right balance that works for me. I’m still figuring that out. And is why my last post I shared, I said would be the last for at least until I return home in October, so I can feel that out more, while I am experiencing deep changes, and feel what balance nurtures my soul the best AND feeds the connective threads to others through that heart channel to the highest. I think that when we stand in the expression of who we are, as you have, that is purpose. Purpose doesn’t have to look like anything grand, or perhaps our definition of grand could use some revamping, as being who we are each day, bringing our uniqueness to anything we do/touch, and connecting with others through that heart channel is truly grand in my opinion. Big hug of love to you. Always your friend ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your words are a balm to my spirit. There is a lot to digest here, but purpose as being who we are, and feeling into my choices are great reminders for me. Thank you dear Tania for your friendship, support, and grace. Big hugs. 🙏💕
LikeLiked by 2 people
Your honesty is a huge step in making the steps you want/need, Brad. This is why I love teaching creative writing classes. One of my writing rules is “BE HONEST (otherwise the stories are just not good). And “DON”T THINK” when you write. Just let the pen flow. So many of my students over the years have “found themselves” just by writing stories – fiction and non-fiction, that come from deep inside them. That’s why blogging is so great too. We open ourselves to strangers, who no longer become strangers, and we find ourselves as these new friends find out who we are. YOU are a beautiful soul. I know that from your posts, your photos, and your yearnings. I have felt purposeless before (I think most of us who are empaths feel that at some point in our lives, or all of our lives!) and a very wise man once said to me emphatically “The most important thing is to BE. Just BE, and you are a purpose in the world.” These words helped me so much, and I hope they help you, Brad. YOU, your being, is a beautiful thing. Embrace who you are, and then take those steps being confident that YOU are BEing, and that’s huge.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Pam. Your comments are the second one (confirmation) to focus on just being me as my purpose. And yes, writing can be a great help in unlocking our thoughts and feelings. I always strive to authentic in my writing. I appreciate your love and support and am glad to call you friend. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep on being YOU, friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Brad, I am sorry you are feeling so lovely and demotivated. You are living in a pretty place and that does help, as does corresponding with people on line, but it doesn’t replace companionship. It seems you are lonely. I hope that you will go ahead with your plan to find more interaction with people. Perhaps there are clubs you could join to meet some new people.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the suggestions Robbie. take care.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for sharing this reality, Brad. You don’t have to be uplifting and positive all the time. What huge losses you had in a short time! Healing is an ongoing process. It seems to me that when we get into our 60s, security competes with desire for adventure and unfinished business. All those things are valid, and balance is good. You’ve been to a lot of places I want to go but my husband’s job and having pets seem keep us from traveling much right now. Retiring? and maybe social security, will give you more options, and you don’t have big ties that would keep you tethered. I believe you are getting ready for a new phase in your life. Keep exploring possibilities and imagining ways to feed your soul- both near and far – and they will emerge. If you step back from blogging, I hope you’ll drop in with occasional updates. One thing I know for sure is that you are take beautiful photos.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the kind words of support and encouragement JoAnna. Yes, I have flexibility and freedom, but not the resources to retire or pursue many of my dreams. As you mentioned, I’ll have to balance security, adventure, and finances. Thankfully, photography & nature feed my soul. take care.
LikeLike
By virtue of your feeling safe enough to unveil yourself/your soul so fully in this space may be testament that this is a place (blog place) you may wish to stay. “My soul is craving more connection, adventure, and authenticity” is what we all feel I think. As long as we’re alive we are always seeking more. I think because we were not created to die anything that is antithesis to living pushes us to want more. We were also not created to be alone so wanting connection is as natural as breathing. I pray you find peace and calm to HEAR clearly what steps to take. 🤗 🤗 ☮️ 🤗 🤗
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the support and kind prayer Dawn. 🙏
LikeLike
Hi Brad,
I am not sure what happened as I was writing here, so if you see an unfinished comment prior to this one please ignore and delete.
I wanted to say, first thank you for sharing how you really feel. So many feel like you do, including me. I do have my moments of feeling unsure about the future and wanting a more meaningful purpose in life. Seconds, it takes gusts to share such details, and it feels like a positive turning point.
It looks like you reinvented yourself a couple of times before. It is exciting to see where you will end up next and what adventures unfold.
I would hope you would continue with this blog, so we get to visit. Perhaps you just need a break. Listen and follow your heart. And know that all your friends here are rooting for you.
Sending love, blessings and hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the kind words and support Ana. Yes, I’ve reinvented myself a couple of times. Once more would be good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love your blog and I’m applaud your honesty. I’m in a very different situation than you, but I too struggle to find my spark. While writing and photography are good for me and I enjoy them, they don’t entirely feed a part of me I’ve currently been eating to repress (mainly loneliness and a sense I’ve lost my identity under my responsibilities).
As others have said, I am rooting for you. Do what feels right and please feel open to share all of it. May the answers come as you sit by that beautiful pond and consider yet another reinvention. You inspire me and I’m glad we’ve found each other through blogging.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the loving support Bridgette. I appreciate you and your blog too. I’m sorry that you’ve lost your spark too. May we find the spark and feel our souls
LikeLiked by 1 person
Authentic you is still uplifting. I know you didn’t ask for advice, so forgive me if this is an overstep, but I wonder if not seeking is how you’ll find what you’re looking for?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Kathy. Sometimes letting go is the answer. It seems I’ve been too passive with my life in the last 10 years.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hear you.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for sharing your authentic self Brad! It’s scary and hard to do that, as you know that’s a lot of my blog post – being vulnerable. First I want to say I’m so sorry for your losses! I don’t know the feeling of a losing a parent, but I truly know the pain of losing your unborn child! Prayers and healings go out to you! I also pray you can find joy and peace again, it’s there we just have to push ourselves to find it or recognize it when we do. It does seem nature, God’s real beauty brings you some joy. I’d say push forth with that, one day at a time. Be present in each moment, so you can have the chance to see and feel everything that He’s giving you! You’re never alone! 🙏🏻
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for your compassionate response, prayers, and blessings Tiffany. I know you understand about the losses. Yes, nature is a balm and joy. I believe taking more risks and action is needed. 🌷
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is such an courageous honest post dear Brad… Finding the strength to reveal inner thoughts and feelings, Kudos to you my friend.. The pain and difficulties you faced in your loss, has left a deep and lasting impression at your core…
So to publish these deep feelings right now is also a very good sign, for it means you are giving voice to those inner feelings of loss, sadness, grief and loneliness.. As you release, deeper healing begins.. Even if on the surface we don’t always see our symptoms, which can often keep us stuck within the same patterns, for fear of rejection, more grief, and heartache.
You have always struck me Brad as a very kind, gentle soul, who tries to please others more than you please yourself… Many too are feeling that call to withdraw, and retreat into their shell and shut off even further.. I too if you remember didn’t blog or communicate for 5 weeks, I learnt a while ago, that we need to put ourselves first once in a while.. We are worthy of rest, of caring for ourselves and nurturing ourselves.. For We are searching to find ourselves!…. Pulling all our shattered pieces over the years and Life times, back into wholeness.. And that takes some doing Brad.. For all manner of our past crops up to shake and rattle us to our core once again as we finally release it as we learn to let it go, forgive and heal our inner wounds..
So dear Brad, follow your instincts my friend… Nature is your go to healer… as is mine… I am happy you are in a much happier place within dear Brad…
Sending continued hugs as we each find our various pieces of putting our true soul selves back together again..
Much love 💜✨
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the kind words and loving support Sue. I’m trying to follow my instincts, take care of myself, and take some action on things that matter to me. 💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great honest post Brad and the fact the you openly shared it is a huge step in the right direction. You have a community of bloggers that care and appreciate the struggle you are going through. Keep the faith and take it one step at a time. I know you will find and feel what you seek as long as you honor yourself and follow His lead. He will show you the next steps to take. Your light does shine into others lives!! Blessings!!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the kind and uplifting support Kirt. 🙏
LikeLiked by 2 people
I turned 60 last week. I am only telling you that because for a few years I thought you were 20 years younger than me. lol. I hope that made you smile.
I have read a lot of the comments above, all kind, and genuine. This world is so much better with you in it, Brad. You inspire and encourage others everyday, with your writing, your thoughts, and I believe you are genuine in doing so. I won’t get into that. You know there is something else out there…too.
A few months ago a wrote a letter to my daughters (it was mothers day). I told them I used to wish them happiness, but as I am older, I find what I wish for them is to find meaning in this ride called life. It is different for all of us. Since I thought you were younger, I will just pretend I am wiser and wish for you to grab what brings you meaning. I think you know, but it is for you to decide. As a military kid, and than spouse, I used to think that meant moving away and starting over. I have learned, I am the same wherever I land and the mirror reiterates that.
On another note, if you like to read…A quick read with a good message is Glad You Are Here. It is about the reckless life of Walker Hayes. Even if you don’t like country music, there is a nice message.
You are loved. Donna
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for the very kind and thoughtful reply Donna. And I’ll accept the mistaken age and advice. I agree about meaning and do some things that bring me meaning like this blog. I appreciate you and our community. Yes, there is no getting away from myself, but I also realize that some places fit me better like Colorado. take care…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Just one more tiny thought? Have you ever thought about working at a National park? In Colorado?
LikeLiked by 2 people
If one were to say how much every aspect is understood, it may be difficult to believe. So, I’m not gonna say it (or type it). Rather, I hope you find it, or it finds you, all of it, and soon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Dawn.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brad, I can’t help but think that grief has changed your life in the ways you speak of here. Every person reacts differently to loss, and you certainly have had so much in a very short time. You can’t look at the years and think that it doesnt…or shouldn’t matter as much any more. Time is a strange phenomenon…especially where grief is concerned.
I do know that we are the architect of our lives…even when we feel like things are happening to us. We always have the ability to change things…we just have to be ready for those changes.
I have to say that I am selfish, for I would hate to see you shut down your blog. And I’ve a feeling I wouldn’t be the only person to feel that way!! I send you clear energy to help you at this time. And I don’t think you should worry about being authentic…maybe that is part of the reason you think of ending your blogging…maybe don’t put pressure on yourself to be positive all the time…just be yourself and however you are on any given day.
Sending a giant hug!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for your loving support Lorrie. No doubt grief has shaped me and I let that and several large financial setbacks take away my confidence and zest for life. I seem to be inching back toward a more engaged life. Hugs and love appreciated.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Keep inching, Brad. Keep believing and keep as positive as you can. And if you can’t…share that too!
Hope you have a great week!
LikeLiked by 2 people
It is so courageous of you to share your story and experiences, Brad. I agree with what many of the others have said. Life isn’t always rosy and the things you feel such as being lost are a very real part of life. We don’t like to admit these things, but admitting them is the first step towards more clarity. I do feel some of the things you share, such as going through the motions and questioning connections – and that focusing on the real world is important. It’s one of the reasons why I cut back on blogging so much as much as I want to spend more time on here.
A lot of us here look forward to your posts and musings and we enjoy your writing, photography and relate to it. You give me a lot to reflect on with your posts. Your blog is a big achievement and you have a great supportive community here. Do what makes you feel good and I am so glad to have connected with you 😊
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you for the heartfelt comment Mabel. I’m grateful that you and others find value in my posts. I find meaning and connection in our blogging community. Thanks for being part of it Mabel. hugs….
LikeLiked by 2 people
Interesting that your blog brings joy to others, but doesn’t give you the fulfillment you seek. I suspect that’s not unusual for a lot of other creative people. Life is a series of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, and periods of mundanity between all that.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Good reminder about the cycles Cynthia. I’m already feeling better about the blog. It does bring me satisfaction, but sometimes I get bored and/or feel a heaviness because I push myself so hard to keep posting. I could be more relaxed about the posting schedule. 😊
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good idea.
LikeLiked by 2 people
63 Years here with two house fires; the second was in 2014 and took my 4-yr old grandson. Never been married, and my only daughter I chose to keep was born with a disability – 20 surgeries in her first 20 yrs of life. At the same time of the house reconstruction, I went through 6 major surgeries (osteoarthritis – joints are shot). BUT I AM STILL HERE AND STILL GOING. Some days are really tough to get through, but I do it. I have a number of passions that help to keep me going: crafting, card making, yarnie, artist, gardening, and small farming to name a few. You say you would love to travel – DO IT – just start small. Look in your own “backyard” first. Find the greatest (best if they are little-known) places to visit near you and then expand.
I love to write, but the last couple of years (since before 2020) have been sooooo angry it has sapped my “lets-do-it” mood. I have been working on a new post for my blog about all the disgusting trash people just throw out of their vehicles (found a used syringe at the end of our driveway – that was my final straw), but as I write, I just get angrier and go on too long – so I put it away and try again another day – – – its been five mo. now and I still don’t have it done. SO I JUST START LAUGHING.! My funny bone has come back to life which I am so grateful for – first sign of good things to come. We just need to keep pushing on (or back against the anger) and as my mom always said:
This Too Shall Pass. (Sometimes I could have slapped her for saying it, but I never hit my mom – not raised that way – LOL)
I hope it helps to let you know – you are not alone, you and move on, and when you find your passion – start small and build on it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for sharing your story. I admire your perseverance and am glad you have found ways to keep going like writing, laughing, farming, and tending your daughter. Yes, I need to start where I am making the best of things and feeding my dreams and passions. Thanks for caring.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Such a beautiful honest account of your feelings Brad and introspection. I wish you more travel and days of joy and beauty as you wade through the ups and downs like we all do!
Blessings
💞
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the loving support Cindy. 🙏
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a pleasure!! ❣️
LikeLiked by 1 person