Yesterday was a hard day financially and emotionally. I lost in one day, three weeks worth of investment gains, leaving me financially and emotionally wiped out. I can’t seem to get ahead financially or emotionally. Then I realized part of the reason is that I keep standing on the shore of life being knocked down by the ocean waves.
It’s well past time to move either beyond the waves into open, deeper waters or retreat to land with stable footing. Metaphorically, I understand this need to decide and take action. The challenge is that I have no clear picture of where I want to go in life. No job or income. No passion that really calls me and a lingering sense of wasting my life, living without purpose and direction.
This morning in meditation, the only thing that came to me as I wrote this post in my head is my lingering desire to travel the world. Mind you, I have no idea how to do that with virtually no money left. Then the idea to go see a fellow blogger, who is dealing with health challenges, popped into my head. For some reason that idea brought a burst of energy, happiness and motivation to move. Mind you, I have no idea if that person wants or needs any help, let alone my help. We don’t really know each other. I simply am aware that they are having health challenges.
If my only consistent passion is to travel, will I surrender to the passion and follow the call? If so, what does that look like? Selling my house, renting it out? How will I support myself with no job or income? And this is where and how I get stuck. With no idea how to accomplish the desire to travel, I write it off and do nothing. I’ve done this for years, even when I had money. There were different excuses back then. No one to travel with, no idea which country to pick. Do I travel alone, with a group or with a friend? The questions are never ending.
As I have written many times, I am good at analyzing and researching, not so much at making decisions and taking action. Writing seems to help me clarify and digest my thoughts. Typically, I don’t write on my blog about this inner turmoil that weighs me down. My reason has been that I wanted my blog to be uplifting for me and my readers with inspiration, beauty, connection and thriving.
I believe I’ve done a fairly good job at living up to those intended intentions. But maybe it hasn’t served me so well. Maybe it’s time to be more honest and vulnerable with all the inner challenges that I feel. So for today, that is what you get. My stream of consciousness, not planned, not organized, not edited, not polished to inspire and uplift. Brad unplugged, sharing his raw thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for listening and caring.