The End of Self-Improvement
This is my New Year’s gift to you; part love letter, part kick in the pants. Please take what serves you and discard the rest. These are my truths, not necessarily yours.
You do not need to fix yourself. You are not broken. You are enough. You may not like everything about your life and self, but you have the essential goodness and tools inside yourself. You are worthy of love and kindness no matter what you do or don’t do. I spent far too many years chasing the idea of fixing and healing myself.
My real healing began when I stopped trying to fix and improve myself. Instead, I began focusing on loving and accepting myself.
There is no time when everything becomes OK because you have arrived at your goals or done the right things. Even when you get the job, girl, house, or money, happiness will be fleeting. Do not seek your happiness in externals. Contentment comes from self acceptance and living in alignment with your values.
Please go look in the mirror. You are the best expert, teacher, partner, and guru for you. The more books, workshops and other people that you consult, the more confused you will become. Each new book, has a slightly different formula for the best way to become successful, healthy, empowered, enlightened, etc. Spend time alone in nature or meditation, listening for your own answers. To be clear, I’m not saying spirit, friends, or teachers can’t help you. I’m simply saying your foundation is built with a marriage of feminine (love) and masculine (responsibility) energies.
Self acceptance and self responsibility are the keys to open a new life. Make the choice to accept who you are and your current life situation. Your choices led to where you are. There is no need to endlessly unravel your beliefs, patterns, and ideas about how you arrived at where you are. Simply start where you are. Then accept it or decide to change it. If you want a new life, make new choices. And no matter what you choose, you are loveable and enough.
Loving yourself is the most important choice.
Next, decide what are the most important things you want in your life; work, relationship, success, peace, enlightenment. Then, define how those values and priorities would look in your life. Finally, do the best you can to align your actions with your ideas. This is the key to success, peace, contentment, happiness, and even enlightenment. Or take a more Zen approach like Aisha suggests below.
Invest your energy in what is right in front of you and see how it can be cultivated into something meaningful. ~ Aisha Bowe
For me, enlightenment simply means to be awake and aware. Wake up to what is important to you and align your life with those values and you become enlightened. Take action in the new year toward what you want your life to be. And no, you can’t control everything or everyone in your life. You may not get what you want, but in each moment you have the power of choice. Your power lies in your responses (choices) to what life brings you. Choose well, love well, and you will have a meaningful and fulfilling life. You are worthy of love and kindness no matter what.
May you grow more love and compassion for 2021.
Wow, Brad, I love every word you wrote. Amen to all of it. Reading this post was the perfect way to kick start my day. Thank you. You are an extraordinary human being and don’t you ever forget it. ✨💕
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Wow Tanya. Your words lit up my heart and body. It feels good to be acknowledged and know my words resonate with you. Thank you for the kind words and friendship. Your words are balm to my soul. Big Hugs! ✨💕
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Beautifully expressed, with love and balance. Go, Brad. ❤
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LOL. Thanks for the kind words Jane. I appreciate the encouragement and smiles. 🧡
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This is a wonderful reminder! Happiness is found in contentment within yourself!! Thank you for these words!
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You’re most welcome Gigi. I’m glad you found some value in my ideas. May contentment and love grow in your heart. 🙏
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Wow, Brad this was a profound and inspiring post and yes I completely agree with you, everything is us and everything starts with us. Books are surely there to make us aware but it depends on us how we take teachings from them. It is really nice to reflect on ourselves and Who We Really Are. Happy New Year 2021 to you too. Have a great Year ahead.
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Thank you Kamal. I’m grateful for your friendship and agree about having to live (become) what we know and read. Hugs and blessings for the New Year. 🙏
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You are always welcome dear Brad and it is so nice to be friends with you. Let us keep our friendship going and keep on motivating all of us. Hugs and blessings to you too for the New Year. Stay safe.
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💓🌷❤️👍
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I could not agree more Brad! Happy New Year and I hope you are successful with this venture. It’s a tough one when we are so well trained to ‘FIX’ everything because there is something wrong with everything. My goodness. Imagine if we taught our children why they are perfect just as they are…So much to be learned. I just hope humanity is seriously paying attention! I wish only the best for you. VK 🙂
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Thank you VK. I totally agree and wish we would teach children that they are beautiful, wonderful, and loveable as they are. To accepting ourselves and our uniqueness. 🧡
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Fantastic thoughts (I totally agree) and very empowering.
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Thank you and welcome. May the journey be full of love and companionship.
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You gave the most positive and uplifting kick really! And summarized the essence of all the learning, all the books and lessons that we have been seeking. Self-love, acceptance, being awake and aware, power of choice, taking responsibility – it is a package that would never fail but keep us aligned with our intentions. It was such joy to sit back and read your post.
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What a wonderfully kind and heartwarming comment Pragalbha. I’m delighted that you enjoyed and found value in my musings. May this year be one of living our wisdom and spreading peace, love, and joy.
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Well said Brad… Mirror work was a prime healer within my own journey my friend… No one can do the work for us… And I looked in many a book, the main one who taught me mirror work was Louise Hays.. In you can Heal your life book…
The time for Guru’s is no more…. We are each our own Guru.. We each have to face ourselves, for we are responsible for our thoughts and our actions… And realise we are responsible for the reactions to our actions..
We are energy beings… What we send out, and create.. Will come right back to the source of its creation.. So we had better realise.. what goes around comes around..
Loved that you said no matter what you choose.. Do it with love.. If we all took that one simple code for living.. The world would not be as we see it today…
Thank you Brad… Always a delight when I read your indepth thoughts my friend…
Have a wonderful New Year Brad…. You my friend… are more than worthy… 😀 🙏💛
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As I said to Brad, Sue…you guys are on the same page with both of your posts! Thank you both for sharing!!
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Thank you Kirt… Thank you for reading 🙂
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You’re welcome Kirt!
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I like your summary Sue. I realized later that I didn’t make the point of oneness and love being the core. Thanks for your friendship, wisdom, and love. 🙂 🙏💛
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❤ 🙂
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Awesome post Brad!! You and Sue Dreamwalker are on the same page…..love it!!!
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Thanks for noticing and caring Kirt. Yes, we must be in synch today. Take care my friend.
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What a beautiful post Brad, part love letter and part kick in the pants, I love that! And I resonated with every word. We are indeed our own teacher and our own guru and it’s time we realised that and took back our own power. Everything is a choice isn’t it. Happy new year to you my friend. May it be filled with much love, light and compassion. xx
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Thank you. I’m glad you resonated with my words. May we thrive in 2021.
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absolutely love and resonate this post brad…maybe my fav, as it lays out quite simply the state of where we are now in this accelerated state of being, and truly how simple things can be. we just make it harder than it is because that’s how we were taught things had to be – hard, involved, complex, and needing to fit into these glorified niches. i agree that self love and self responsibility are the game changers. and i love what you said here: “Simply start where you are. Then accept it or decide to change it. If you want a new life, make new choices. And no matter what you choose, you are loveable and enough.” great way to kick off 2021! big love and hugs to you! thank you for sharing this.
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Wonderful Tania! You already know and live all this, but I’m glad it received your seal of approval! 😋 to a year full of big love, hugs, and flowing.
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I AM broken, but I am who I am. Take it or leave it. The thing is, others have ‘taken’ it, but not me. I don’t always like what I see, but I’m accepting it….trying to, at least.
So well-penned, Brad.
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Thank you Bojana. I truly hope you can accept and love yourself. It has been a long hard journey for me, but the best choice I ever made. I see you, accept you, and appreciate you. take good care…
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Thanks, Brad. I think I finally did. The problem is I find it hard to accept this world. People have disappointed me time and time again. I don’t think anyone can properly heal after so many disappointments.
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I’m glad you found self acceptance. I hear you on the world. Life is filled with many difficult and disappointing things. I’m working on the same process; either accept or work to change it.
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Or be very careful who you let into your life.
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Thank you Brad for this wonderful post. I will print this out and keep. You have hit on so many important issues….’The more books, workshops and other people you consult, the more confused you become……..’ So true. ‘Spend time along in nature and meditation – listen to your own answers/gut….’
‘Accept who you are or make new choices and change……’ All of it such good and positive advice.
And most of all – it is so important to love and nurture ourselves.
I wish you a beautiful 2021 filled with joy and inspiration. Janet :)XX
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I’m honored that you find value in these ideas and would print it out. Thank you Janet for your friendship and support. May 2021 be a year of thriving, loving, and creating.
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Yes Indeed Brad….since I wrote that comment a lot has happened in the US and indeed world…which means that we must commit even more to a year of thriving, loving and creating:)X
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Indeed Janet. Another crazy day here in the US with a call for more love, compassion, and bridge building.
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Yes to all of this, Brad. Thank you for sharing. There’s always room to grow, but self acceptance and self love is so freeing. Wishing you love and joy and peace in the new year. ❤
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You’re most welcome Julie. It’s been a long journey to get to this place of self acceptance. May love grow in our hearts. 🧡
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What beautiful words you write Brad… so pure and accepting of just what is❤️ Not many words can follow when resistance ceases🥰Amen much love and enjoy it all in 2021🥰
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Thanks Barbara. I love your summary. We flow when resistance ceases. 🧡
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Very profound post! And I totally agree. Self-acceptance is true freedom and you cease to be a slave to the opinions of others.
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Thank you Cherie and welcome. May we live free!
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You’re so welcome. And I intend to keep living free!
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Oh wow, Brad, I’m loving what I am hearing from you!! This is excellent!! Every word is smack right on! It really truly does begin with self-love for without that, we’ll not ever experience contentment or happiness. I put away the self-help books long ago. I KNOW the more I read the worse I felt and the more confused I became. Listening to our Inner Guidance and also to Mother Nature, that is my way to connect to a Higher Consciousness. What is good and right for one person may not necessarily be so for another. You make me just want to shout and dance for joy!! YOU GET IT!! Darn it, Brad!! Your Self-Realization is at hand. Of course we can always improve and grow …. that is life without stagnation. But to honestly like where one is at in the moment now that is impressive and so important. Bless you for the wisdom you are passing on. I said to someone just the other day, I do not care what anyone thinks anymore of me and THAT is freedom! Welcome to heaven!! SMILE!!! xo
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Thank you for your passionate response Amy! I’m glad my words resonate for you. It’s been a long road to accept and love myself. And yes, that is freedom to live and be ourselves. Feel free to spread the love and share my post! 😋
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Of course it has been a long road. We had a lot of “stuff” to be addressed so we would get it right. Yet when we are free, there is a world that is miraculous. Keep shining your light!! OH how it is so needed in this world of today. xo
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I’m with you on/with/around every bit of your philosophy. It’s so true. Love yourself and then you can love others. We are not perfect- we are just right- the way we are. 👏🙏❤️
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Thanks for sharing the journey Pam. Keep spreading the love! 🧡
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. I appreciate your insight and I’m very happy that you have found this path of self love and acceptance. Thank you for guiding me back into a healthier balance.
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You’re most welcome JoAnna. I’m honored that you find value in my ideas. I hope you find the balance and love you desire.
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Yep, the problem with self-improvement literature is that it suggests we are in a constant state of ‘defect’, in need of perfecting. Better to see us as perfect just as we are (as Zen would say). And yet, paradoxically, I have found some self-improvement lit. quite useful. Such is life.
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Thanks for adding to the conversation Chris. I agree on all accounts. Life is definitely paradoxical.
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Your words spoke to me because I’ve lived my whole life trying to fix myself. Towards the end of 2020, it occurred to me that I was missing out on my own life. I’m trying to form new habits. Continue being am inspiration
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Thank you Regina. Deciding to quit trying to fix myself was the best decision I ever made. You are enough and fine as you are. May 2021 bring you more contentment and acceptance.
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Hi Brad, I agree that living your values is vital to feeling content. If you don’t, you will experience inner turmoil. Deep down we all know what is right and what is wrong. Thanks for a great post.
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You’re welcome Robbie. And thanks for the good summary.
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Agreed Brad, self-improvement often just makes you feel worse about yourself. Wishing you all the best for a year of self-love and self-empowerment 🙂
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Thank you Andrea. I’m glad you can relate. May your year be full of love and contentment.
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So much truth in your words, Brad. I’ve often wondered if the gurus who say they have the magic formula really practice it in their own lives. It really does begin with self-love and acceptance, and, most importantly, shutting off the chatter (both external and internal) and listening to that calm inner voice that knows better than anyone. May your 2021 be filled with love and magic.
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Agreed Julie. Thanks for adding to the calm voices. We need more of that now. To a year full of peace and love.
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A great introduction, Brad. You definitely caught my attention. And, then, tears brimming when I read your paragraph “….you are enough…” You remind me how sometimes the teacher appears when the student is ready. ‘Start where you are’ shares a formula to move forward. This is an exceptional post, Brad. I have bookmarked it to reread and digest, yet, not necessarily to self-improve. Thank you!
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You’re most welcome Erika. I’m honored that my words could serve you. May your year be full of love and contentment. We are enough!
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I especially loved reading this post, Brad, and the comments it has (so far…) inspired. Thank you for articulating this wisdom for all of us to read and re-read. This is my favorite chunk: “You do not need to fix yourself. You are not broken. You are enough. You may not like everything about your life and self, but you have the essential goodness and tools inside yourself. You are worthy of love and kindness no matter what you do or don’t do.” I think what you are describing is partly what has finally led me to start releasing songs via Spotify, Apple Music, etc. The songs and performances may not be perfect. But they are enough. And waiting for (and/or endlessly pursuing) perfection can certainly be a fruitless and disappointing endeavor… I am going to re-read this post many times in the days and weeks and months ahead. THANK YOU, wise prince.
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Thank you for the high praise Will. I’m touched that my words have value for you. I need to remind myself of this wisdom often too.
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Amen! Self-improvement and life coaches have become a cottage industry and it’s tiring. Sometimes you need to just be. Wise words and sorely needed right now. Thank you!
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You’re welcome Kristine. I’m glad my words resonate with you. I’m over trying to improve myself.
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This is great! I believe we can accept ourselves and also acknowledge areas we can improve. Be grateful for what you have, but also be aware of what you can do better. Always love yourself and realize that YOU are enough. YOU can do anything you put your mind to. Just start.
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Thanks for reaching out. I mostly agree with your summary. For me, starting with acceptance was the critical first step.
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Ya live long enough, ya stop buying self-improvement books. Mind you, I stopped a long time ago.
Thanks for this wise post, Brad. You make excellent points. And yes, loving and accepting ourselves is vital – yet likely as difficult as always doing what we say we believe in.
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Yes, self love is a simple target yet hard to achieve. On love, I’m an optimist!
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This post had so much love and gentleness within it 💕 that on its own is to be celebrated! I’ve never heard anyone say these things before. There has always been a goal: to reach the highest self or to be better than one is at the moment. But for someone, You, to say that we are already enough and worthy right now, is more beautiful than words can express.
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Thank you Ashley. I’m grateful my words could help you. I remember how impactful they were the first time I heard them 20 years ago. And still to this day, I need the reminder that I (we) are worthy and enough as we are. May your year be full of love and compassion.
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You’re very welcome and same to you! Keep up the good writing 🙂
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Thank you. 😃
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True, true. The self-help business may help self-help authors, but risks making us all into institutional simpletons, judging ourselves the way merciless bosses would.
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Thanks for visiting Greg. We certainly have enough horrible bosses within and without.
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I contest Mr Superego in my head. My dad’s gift, I think, as he got it from his father. They both belonged to the “Old School.” Dad would’ve been comfy in 15th Century Poland listening to the bishops and priests and carrying out their will. Oh! “Priests in black gowns / Were walking their rounds, / And binding with briars / My joys and desires” (Blake).
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You have interesting family roots.
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Don’t have to do much research for stories & poems!
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Agreed. That is my preferred writing at this point. I used to do a weekly inspirational series that required more research.
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“There is no time when everything becomes OK.” Amen. Beautifully written. Thank you
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You’re welcome Natalie. I’m glad it resonates with you.
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Really love this, I feel that people get so caught up in their lives and lost in there own minds that they forget to just stop, breath and enjoy themselves!
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Agreed. I’m glad you can appreciate these simple moments.
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Such an encouraging and heart warming piece 🙏♥️
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Thank you and welcome Ananda. Self acceptance was the best decision I ever made.
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Thank You for putting all these in words because these were my thoughts that were jumbled in my brain and I was trying to make sense of the message till now. Now, I feel less guilty about loving myself as I am.
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You are most welcome Aishwarya. I’m delighted that my words and experience could help you. I hope you find much joy and contentment in loving yourself as you are. blessings, Brad
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Wonderful reminders that I especially appreciated, having just now for the first time really come into loving and accepting myself. “Simply start where you are” was a particular favorite focus idea of yours. 🙂
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Thank you Laura. I’m glad my ideas resonate with you. Congrats on loving and accepting yourself.
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Thank you! I find it to be quite a miracle; never thought I’d arrive! 😊
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Yay!
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Brilliant, Brad, this is just what I needed to read and remember right now! I am blessed to know you! Hope we can all get together in the near future. Love you, Allee
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Thank you for the kind words Allee. I’m grateful to know you and Jordan and would be happy to get together for a walk or hangout. Hugs.
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Really like this line : My real healing began when I stopped trying to fix and improve myself. Instead, I began focusing on loving and accepting myself.
I’ve recently started training on mindfulness which talks on similar lines. Such a beautiful thing to be able to accept who we are and be conscious and aware of it. Sure there are lots of things to improve but that can’t be a negative influencer but only an excitement factor to push ahead
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Thank you and welcome Vinay. I’m glad you can relate and are on your way to mindfulness.
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