Hasta La Vista

/ April 28, 2016

Hasta La Vistabeauty, travel, views

A lot has changed this week.

I turned down the subsidized apartment that I was planning to move into. After spending some time in the apartment and building, I realized that I would not like living there. The environment is depressing and the city noise is non-stop. I’m a light sleeper and find traffic noises very unpleasant. This put me in pressure mode for finding a place. I haven’t found an apartment that I would enjoy living in for a reasonable price, so I’ve decided to put my things in storage and go back east to visit family and friends.

The way I typically make decisions is very laborious and stressful. I would like to learn how to make decisions with more ease, trust and flow. Even now, I’m second guessing all my decisions and plans. Should I have kept the apartment? Should I have taken a room that was decent, if not wonderful? Am I making a mistake taking a month off? Etc, etc. The mental noise and emotional duress are very taxing and I know I’m doing it to myself!

And I feel awkward admitting my foibles in being a grown man in his 50s who hasn’t learned how to make or trust decisions. I still have no clear work path or income and need to find a place to live when I get back. This creates lots of change and turmoil. I would like to build a foundation, both physically and energetically, to create some stability, ease and flow. And start making better decisions and taking action to help turn my life around.

All of this has been percolating for the last few years as my finances fell apart, leading me to sell my house to stay afloat financially. I’m not sure I’ve learned any lessons from all the challenges. Maybe I’ve gained a little more compassion in understanding how hard it is to live in survival mode. My heart goes out to the many people struggling financially in this world.

It has been hard to write inspiring stories and posts week after week with all these challenges. Yes, I have moments of joy in nature and connecting with friends, but overall my life has been a struggle the last 5 years and I’m ready to live from more peace and flow. Maybe it’s time to revisit my post on finding the flow! 🙂

Meanwhile, I’m going to drive back east to spend time with my family and friends in the Washington DC area. I plan to take a break from seeking, pushing and struggling for solutions. Maybe inspiration will come by taking the pressure off. I probably won’t be writing or posting much in May as I travel.

Please know that I sincerely appreciate all of you who read, write and connect here on my blog. There are times when this is my main source of connection.

I hope you’ll find your way back when I return to posting. I will miss you and these wonderful views by the river.

Thanks for your love and support, Brad

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48 thoughts on “Hasta La Vista”

  3. Happy adventures! I did that last year – put everything in storage and went to an ashram in penn. For three months. The week before I was to leave, a friend emailed with the perfect place to return to in Siloam Springs. Here’s wishing you the same good fortune! Breathe deeply as the New unfolds in wonder!

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  6. Did you ever think about getting professional help by a psychologist? I think it would help to talk about problems and trying to solve them professionally. I wish you good luck for everything, Brad, and want to give you a nice German proverb: God is helping the fisherman, but he has to row by himself. All the best on your way to getting a strong man, kind regards Mitza

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  7. You are welcome, Brad. You encourage and support so many others. Sounds to me like you made the right decision for the right reasons. And now you are visiting with family, which will also add something to the journey you are on.

    Brad, we all make ‘mistakes’, AKA ‘learning opportunities’, at all stages of our lives. That’s a sign that we are alive and growing.

    You are very hard on yourself. So you’re in your 50’s. So what?

    Maybe Taphian is right: you need to talk with someone who is skilled in listening, asking good questions, and positively reflecting to you what they are hearing, then working with you to carve out a path. Not a permanent path, perhaps, because once you are a seeker, you will keep graduating to new paths and learning along the way, until you reach a point where you are content. I think you are brave for not wanting to settle for mere ‘existing’, Brad. So many people do that.

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  9. Oh I thought of so many things as I read this post. First, that you won’t always learn the lessons of life’s challenges until months, years or even decades later. When I dove off a cliff and quit my job cold turkey in 2012, I went into a financial free-fall. I thought if I toiled away blogging 16 hours a day – and I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with myself – that “something” would happen. It didn’t. :\ I wondered how I could have done this to myself and lamented that it was all my fault – which it was; I was the one who voluntarily stopped my income.
    And then I had to look for a job. I knew I wanted to blog full time and write and be creative…but I obviously wasn’t at that point in my life, yet. And I’m not – even now.
    But I look back on June 2012 – June 2013 and I am still uncovering lessons from that year. I can tell you that without doing that leap, I wouldn’t have ever thought about a Master’s degree. I wouldn’t be in the job I am now – even though it’s never been my “dream” job. Heck, it’s even grant-funded, so I don’t even know if I’ll have it a few months from now.
    You’ve given me an idea for a future post, though…
    And hang in there. Sometimes when you take a step back and stop thinking about your direction – I’m one to talk; this is THE question I’m always asking myself – sometimes the ideas suddenly come.
    I think it’s really good to get away for awhile. The Tao te ching actually has a whole verse on that: when the work is done, leave it. Meaning, it’s good to step away. And the great wise people of the world always are touting how it’s good to get out of your routine and go somewhere you haven’t been – at least once a year.
    Try not to think too much when you’re gone. Before you go, set an intention for your subconscious to work on your direction and leave it at that. I’m giving you directives here, hehe, and I don’t mean them that way – these are only suggestions because I’ve come to know you (at least online) and want to reach out. But if these thoughts don’t resonate, of course, you need to do what’s good for you. 🙂
    I wish you well on your journey. And sending you positive thoughts that you will find your stride. Sending you big hugs!

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  10. Thank you for such heartfelt post. I can certainly relate – for years and years I’ve struggled with finances and finding the right living place. Right now I’m in a place that I like, but don’t love, and I wish I’d taken more time to find the right space. I’m close to the city and am longing for some green forest around me. Having a peaceful sanctuary to come home to is soooo important and I wish you all the best in finding the place that you can truly call home. 🙂 Aleya

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  12. I can so relate Brad to the anxious feelings inside and that never ending little voice that sits on your shoulder and makes you doubt your decisions. A pain in the neck/shoulder 🙂 As hugely difficult as it is to do, I would offer that you see things as being exactly as how they are meant to be and cut yourself some slack. Part of the decision making anxiety is fearing making the wrong choice. The truth is,there never is a wrong choice! Every decision we make is make is with our approval, to move us forward on the path we are meant to be on, rocky or smooth, joyful or difficult. Our classroom of life as we grow into our next identity. I know the angst of being in limbo is heavy, but just know that the next phase of your journey is being created by a new you, you are a clean canvas to begin your life art on. Choose bright colors, change the theme and go for it! I know mixed in with the fear is a good amount of excitement about who you can actually be. Good luck, stay close and have some fun! VK ❤

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  13. I will miss you Brad, sincerely, and I hope you’ll still have the chance to pop in from time to time here during the month you’re away to let us know how you’re doing. Thank you for sharing this, I will be praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts. May clear direction come as you let go of trying to figure it all out. I’m often guilty of that, so I feel for you.
    Be kind to yourself my friend. Lots of love coming your way… ❤

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  14. Believe in yourself and trust in the universe… Try doing a vision board. It works if you really believe it will come to pass and never doubt it will not… I’m a living proof of that…

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  15. Hi Brad, so sorry to hear about your struggles over the past few years. Perhaps a change of scenery and being with family, hopefully people who deeply care about you, will provide new ideas and motivation. If you can, spend lots of time in nature – Rock Creek Park, Great Falls Park and the Billy Goat trail. Nature heals and provides us with so many teaching metaphors. Blessings….

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  16. Huge hugs, Brad. My life has changed so much this past four years I can fully relate to this post. You can do this, Brad. You will find your way. You find ways to be inspiring no matter what’s going on around you and that says a lot. 🙂

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  23. Brad thank you for this honest assessment of feelings and situation.. You know sometimes we try to hard. Second guessing ourselves..We put ourselves under stress because we want to appear in control. And the normal is to have a home a secure job and regular income.. When these things are then stripped back we fear for our future and feel insecure.. This is only natural.

    I have been reading a book my daughter bought me for my B’day its entitled Navigating the Dimensions by Lisa Transcendence Brown. Throughout it she speaks of living from the heart not the head.. So just keep trusting your heart Brad..

    If you were meant to be in those apartments that is where you would have been.. So trust that you are following the flow..
    And enjoy some family reunion time..
    Trust that the plan is already unfolding.. And that the next door is already waiting for the key to unlock it.. Trust in the now.. And Know that tomorrow all is still secure and safe..

    Blessings Sue

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  24. During times of indecision and stress, I have learned that if I remove the ‘chattering monkeys’ from my head, and write them down, no matter how unsavoury they might be….it helps. Especially during what I call the eerie jeebie hours – which is at about 3 a.m.!
    I also went through a period of financial/material loss about ten years ago….and slowly but surely have built my life back up again. One of the things, I would always suggest is to watch out for the ‘clues’ – those moments in life, when something rings true…or someone or some place is recognised…..and of course follow your gut. Ten years on, I find that I am actually in a much better place….
    and always remember, no matter what is going on in life…..’this too shall pass……’ Janet. 🙂

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