A lot has changed this week.
I turned down the subsidized apartment that I was planning to move into. After spending some time in the apartment and building, I realized that I would not like living there. The environment is depressing and the city noise is non-stop. I’m a light sleeper and find traffic noises very unpleasant. This put me in pressure mode for finding a place. I haven’t found an apartment that I would enjoy living in for a reasonable price, so I’ve decided to put my things in storage and go back east to visit family and friends.
The way I typically make decisions is very laborious and stressful. I would like to learn how to make decisions with more ease, trust and flow. Even now, I’m second guessing all my decisions and plans. Should I have kept the apartment? Should I have taken a room that was decent, if not wonderful? Am I making a mistake taking a month off? Etc, etc. The mental noise and emotional duress are very taxing and I know I’m doing it to myself!
And I feel awkward admitting my foibles in being a grown man in his 50s who hasn’t learned how to make or trust decisions. I still have no clear work path or income and need to find a place to live when I get back. This creates lots of change and turmoil. I would like to build a foundation, both physically and energetically, to create some stability, ease and flow. And start making better decisions and taking action to help turn my life around.
All of this has been percolating for the last few years as my finances fell apart, leading me to sell my house to stay afloat financially. I’m not sure I’ve learned any lessons from all the challenges. Maybe I’ve gained a little more compassion in understanding how hard it is to live in survival mode. My heart goes out to the many people struggling financially in this world.
It has been hard to write inspiring stories and posts week after week with all these challenges. Yes, I have moments of joy in nature and connecting with friends, but overall my life has been a struggle the last 5 years and I’m ready to live from more peace and flow. Maybe it’s time to revisit my post on finding the flow! 🙂
Meanwhile, I’m going to drive back east to spend time with my family and friends in the Washington DC area. I plan to take a break from seeking, pushing and struggling for solutions. Maybe inspiration will come by taking the pressure off. I probably won’t be writing or posting much in May as I travel.
Please know that I sincerely appreciate all of you who read, write and connect here on my blog. There are times when this is my main source of connection.
I hope you’ll find your way back when I return to posting. I will miss you and these wonderful views by the river.
Thanks for your love and support, Brad