Glennon’s recent post knocked me down and lifted me back up.
Her post on meltdowns sent me on an emotional roller coaster. Reading her post, I was sad, angry, awed, inspired and a bundle of raw emotions. I totally relate to her experience of college, and feeling lost and out of place. Somehow I managed to get good grades and a degree, but inside I was a HOT MESS!
I was a jumble of insecurity, pain and isolation that I tried to drown in alcohol on the weekends. I was disciplined enough to keep the drinking to weekends, so I could “perform” during the week. This was my primary mode of operation until my late 20’s when I realized that something had to change. I was tired of the ups and downs, the escapes to alcohol, sex and dancing that didn’t provide any lasting relief. I was a mess, but gradually became aware of the desire for real change.
My first decision was to stop drinking. I quit drinking completely for about 12 years. This was a huge step in the direction of finding my true self. I attended some AA and ACOA meetings, but the 12 step model never quite worked for me. I wasn’t really an alcoholic or powerless over alcohol, and it didn’t feel right to affirm my powerlessness.
My next decision was to explore faith and spirituality. I had a sense that faith was the missing piece in my life and attended various churches in search of a spiritual home, but none of them felt right. I started devouring books on spirituality and personal growth. I read the Bible cover to cover, and felt a spiritual awakening, but not a clear spiritual path. Later, I added meditation and was amazed at the calming effects.
Meanwhile, I was living a yuppie life by daytime. After a couple of years, I came to feel that I was wasting my life chasing money and outer success. Then I made one of the boldest decisions of my life. I decided to quit my job, sell my condo, buy a VW camper and travel the country. After putting those pieces in place, I spent 6 months traveling the country hiking, camping and exploring our beautiful US National Parks. That wonderful adventure awakened a deep passion and connection with nature that has been my spiritual foundation.
Maybe I’ll revisit the autobiography later, but this post is about healing our messy lives.
I’m realizing that I still have messy emotions that want love and acceptance. I’ve written primarily on the spiritual ideals of peace, love, gratitude and deliberate creation. I want to embrace all of myself, so I’m going to share the messy as well as the beautiful. I’m learning how to love my messy, imperfect human self while continuing to pursue my spiritual ideals.
I’m finding a big part of healing is simply the willingness to accept and feel what is happening in my life. My posts on vulnerability, and healing the pain seem to resonate strongly with this community. Glennon has rebuilt her life with a willingness to be vulnerable and messy. Her stories touch strong chords in me, and are similar to the work of Brené Brown, but messier like mine! Let’s be vulnerable, messy and real.
Next up is building more community to listen, support and inspire each other. Glennon calls this her support net. I’ve experienced the beauty of group support with friends, men’s groups and Unity. And my blog has been a place of connection, support, healing and love.
I appreciate my WordPress blogging community very much. You are an important part of my healing net! Thank you for your love, kindness, compassion and support. We all need love and support. ❤