From the love of money to love of life

Be careful what you worship. You might just get it. I used to worship saving money above all else.

Thankfully money is no longer my top priority like when I was younger. From my childhood to my late 20s, money was my god of first choice. Or more accurately, saving money was my top goal. I earned money only to save it. I was so focused on this one goal that I missed experiencing many others things like friendship, travel, play and rewarding myself. However, I did accumulate enough savings to allow me to step away from the work world in my early 30’s to do some traveling and soul searching. From those experiences I learned to value more balance with money and other areas in my life.

And more importantly, I came to find the beauty of living simply. I started focusing less on material things and more on enjoying  life. People gradually became more important than money. This was a big switch for me. During my 30’s, my life was full of joy, travel, awe and openness. Unfortunately after the tech wreck of 2000 and losing most of my savings, money again became my security blanket with me clinging fearfully to my cash. And I lost my sense of play, adventure and enjoying life. I became rooted in fear and the feeling of needing to fix myself.

In between periods of working, rebuilding my savings, and pondering life, I’ve spent many hours trying to find my purpose in life. Unfortunately, this question remains a mystery for me. More and more, I’m coming to believe that I need to create a purpose instead of finding one.

As I recently blogged, for now I’m making my purpose to live more consciously, sharing love and inspiring others.

This is the best I can do for now and fits with my intentions for small improvements in 2012. For too many years, and particularly on days when my sense of self is weak, I can be triggered into feeling broken and in need of major repairs. Like yesterday, I was feeling off balance and then received several email offers to find my purpose, create happiness and success. These offers fed my feeling of neediness. This is the danger of taking in too much external information for me. I can easily lose my center, getting lost in my head and indecision. And then my day comes to a grinding halt.

Yesterday, I gradually reclaimed my center and sense of being ok. I danced, worked in the yard, fixed a good meal, and praticed gratitude. Then I remembered that I have a purpose for now. Then I started blogging and next thing you know, I was OK again. Seems like magic or crazy making or both. Nothing changed except my perspective. My belief is that we are just fine, even perfect, loving, and full of vast potential on a spiritual level. And our journey as humans is to remember and live these truths, continually opening to more love, life, and creative expression.

The tricky part for me is how to be open, enjoying the now while recognizing that I have more to do and be. It’s a dance of balance and stretching. Being and doing. Giving and receiving. Being happy in the now while reaching for more.

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