I’ve had several helpings of humble pie this week. A tasty new dish!
My first helping started with realizing that I haven’t been following my plan for the month of October. In case you didn’t catch it, my goal was to use self talk in the mirror as my loving practice for the month. This is part of my bigger project to spend a year consciously working to bring more joy into my life. I’ve been berating myself for not doing the exercise enough. Then I realized it’s all good, even perfect, given that this month’s theme is to love! What could be more loving than accepting myself even if I didn’t do my homework?
My next realization was that my back pain was related to judging myself & putting too much pressure on myself to perform. I was criticizing myself for not doing more self love exercises, not doing what I promised or keeping my word. Yes these tasks are important, but the essence of love is unconditional. True love accepts completely with no conditions. There are no requirements for doing, achieving, succeeding, or living up to others’ standards. One of the hardest things has been to accept, in a deep gut way, that I am worthy of love simply for being, not for my doing in the world.
I wasn’t taught or shown that kind of love growing up. Yes my parents loved me. And I’ve been reading, giving and feeling love, but not owning it deep inside myself. To fully embrace that I am lovable exactly as I am; an imperfect work in progress.
I felt a shift in my lower back yesterday after I embraced the pain while asking to be shown what I was holding onto that needed to be accepted, healed, or loved. First I felt a shift in my back and energy, then I starting hearing insights that I’m sharing with you. Surprisingly, I was able to do some gardening later in the day.
The humble pie part comes in accepting that I haven’t done as well as I would have liked for my first month on this journey to joy. I intended to talk to myself daily in the mirror, but only did the exercise occasionally. Sometimes I felt too inhibited or silly. The funny part is that I live alone, so there is nothing to hold me back except myself. Other days, I did the exercise and felt good. I’ve definitely noticed that I am feeling better emotionally this month. And I see a sparkle in my eye that hasn’t been there until recently.
I’m delighted to see this sparkle, which I take as a very good sign. I remember the sparkle from years ago when I was living in Boulder and loving life. I was young, healthy, happy, and exploring an exciting new life. I associate the sparkle with more joy, love, and connection to my precious inner being. The connection was hard won this time. So I feel even better knowing that I’ve come back home to my center. Consciously this time, as was my intention when I returned to Fayetteville and started this project.
I’m grateful for my progress. I found some love, just not in the way that I planned. So I offer this signpost for you along the trail to joy. Maybe I’ll have another slice of that pie.